So I sat through an amazing night at Summer Revival last night. It was really a treat. Got to hear Nick Bajet sing with Carlo.I got to see some cool bands like Provence and Simple Servants. However, the highlight of the night for me was watching Fiat perform. I think Pat said it best when he described the way Richelle sings as there being something different when she sings for God. It really makes her shine. As with the rest of Fiat.. they truly shined in my eyes last night with a damn good performance and great song selections (Hallelujah is one of my favorite songs fyi). Some of which really hit me...
As I sat there I felt a twinge of sadness. The notorious metaphorical void we all feel sometimes. And as I was feeling this...I just observed Fiat. For some reason I was slightly envious of them. And then it hit me...I thought back to one of Lauren Menor's posts about what it means to "be in your element". Fiat was shining because they were in their element. Richelle and Austin singing/playing guitar, Martin on the drums, Ray on bass, and Mike on keyboard all for the love of God. I knew God wanted them all to be there on that stage performing in His name. They were in their element. And I think thats the void I was feeling. The past few months have been getting harder and harder for me and I don't know why. Its hard fighting back the feeling of spiritual dryness sometimes. I realized last night that the void I'm feeling is the lack of my ability to be in my own element; and a big part of that is the fact that I don't know what my own element is. I don't know where God wants me to be or what direction I should be taking. I guess I'd call it a semi-identity crisis. Is it acting? CrossTraining? My work? UCI? Running? WHAT?! I know its probably not just a single one of these things, but its frustrating to feel as though you're at a standstill no matter what you do. In the end though... there is Hope. If there was no Hope I wouldn't try anymore. I wouldn't keep searching. Fiat's closing song was very appropriate for me.. Don't Stop Believing! I won't. I know there are plans for me. I just pray I can do those plans justice when it is my time. St. Ignatius pray for me.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Who am I?
Who am I? They often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a squire from his country-house.
Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As though it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equally, smilingly, proudly,
Like one accustomed to win.
Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were
compressing my throat,
Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
Tossing in expectation of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?
Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, 0 God, I am Thine!
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer
I ended my last post by stating "Until you know what you want, you can't even begin to understand who you are". Maybe I had it wrong. Maybe its the other way around. Until you know who you are, you can't even begin to know what you want. Perhaps thats the key. When leading the last retreat in May, I shared with everyone about my "mask" and I remember painting a large question mark on the inside because, as I said, "I really don't know who I am yet, and its okay because all I know for certain is that I am a son of God, your brother in Christ". When one gets lost along the path, sometimes its best to start back at the beginning. In this ball of confusion and my ever-changing understanding of myself and the world I live in, one thing remains constant: "Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am Thine!"
I'll start there.
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a squire from his country-house.
Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As though it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equally, smilingly, proudly,
Like one accustomed to win.
Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were
compressing my throat,
Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
Tossing in expectation of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?
Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, 0 God, I am Thine!
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer
I ended my last post by stating "Until you know what you want, you can't even begin to understand who you are". Maybe I had it wrong. Maybe its the other way around. Until you know who you are, you can't even begin to know what you want. Perhaps thats the key. When leading the last retreat in May, I shared with everyone about my "mask" and I remember painting a large question mark on the inside because, as I said, "I really don't know who I am yet, and its okay because all I know for certain is that I am a son of God, your brother in Christ". When one gets lost along the path, sometimes its best to start back at the beginning. In this ball of confusion and my ever-changing understanding of myself and the world I live in, one thing remains constant: "Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am Thine!"
I'll start there.
Monday, June 23, 2008
What Do You Want?
I've been experiencing a sort of spiritual drought lately. It's not like I'm going crazy or not caring about my faith or anything. It's just that I haven't felt my faith alive. I know God is there and I know everything in my life is a blessing. However, the daily grind and monotony of life can make it hard to experience it. Maybe I'm lacking in Hope. Who knows? Still, its times like these where one should take their own advice. I once told someone else who was experiencing this that spiritual dryness is like that "side-stitch" pain you feel in your side sometimes when you run. The only way to get through it is to keep running.By running through it, the pain will subside and you will actually increase your performance. So my advice that I need to take...keep running. Persevere. Persist. Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
On another note, I think I'm ready for a change (no...not the Obama type of change =P..sorry Poli Sci nerd here speaking...). I just need a change of pace or something. A new job maybe? A new hobby? A new way of doing things? I don't know. Just some kind of change would be nice. Maybe its this whole sciatica thing thats been getting me down lately...I mean literally waking up in pain everyday doesn't really brighten one's life. However, suffering (both physical and emotional/spiritual) is a blessing to be embraced.
I think something really clicked at the last Guys Night at St. Paul...we were talking about how we know all we need to know concerning faith, but its all about what you want that determines your choices and the direction your life takes. I was reminded of the story where the beggar ran through a crowd screaming Jesus' name just to get His attention when everyone else was trying to stop the man. Jesus turned to the man and just asked him.."What do you want?" I don't know what I want. If Jesus asked me that right now, I wouldn't know what to ask for. Maybe thats what it is...I have all the tools at my disposal and all the graces one could hope for, but you need to know what you want in order to make the right choices and ultimately be happy. Until you know what you want, you can't even begin to understand who you are.
On another note, I think I'm ready for a change (no...not the Obama type of change =P..sorry Poli Sci nerd here speaking...). I just need a change of pace or something. A new job maybe? A new hobby? A new way of doing things? I don't know. Just some kind of change would be nice. Maybe its this whole sciatica thing thats been getting me down lately...I mean literally waking up in pain everyday doesn't really brighten one's life. However, suffering (both physical and emotional/spiritual) is a blessing to be embraced.
I think something really clicked at the last Guys Night at St. Paul...we were talking about how we know all we need to know concerning faith, but its all about what you want that determines your choices and the direction your life takes. I was reminded of the story where the beggar ran through a crowd screaming Jesus' name just to get His attention when everyone else was trying to stop the man. Jesus turned to the man and just asked him.."What do you want?" I don't know what I want. If Jesus asked me that right now, I wouldn't know what to ask for. Maybe thats what it is...I have all the tools at my disposal and all the graces one could hope for, but you need to know what you want in order to make the right choices and ultimately be happy. Until you know what you want, you can't even begin to understand who you are.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Focus...
I lack focus. I can't study!!! Its okay though, because i finished my first final and kicked its @$$!!!! Another final in about an hour (and I should be studying for it) then a take home final essay and one last final exam on thursday. Woo hoo!!
I'm thinking of switching jobs...to what...I don't know. I got some plans though and I'm making some moves. Nothing is definite yet.
I feel some big changes are coming on the horizon for this summer and the next school year/ Crosstraining season following it. As a good friend of mine says"It's all about CHOICES." Choices make us who we are and determine our successes/failures. Hopefully, I make the right ones. I'm trying to turn over a new leaf and CHOOSE to be more responsible and morally strong.
So Clinton is out of the race which makes me sad. I think I'm rooting for her to be VP, which I keep going back and forth on... I think that my first pick would make a great VP though...BILL RICHARDSON!! Obama/Richardson...yeah...that'd be a winning ticket right there. I still have some reservations over Obama...but it looks like I'll have to jump on the Obama bandwagon. I can't believe I'm blogging on politics...
So..personal life...I don't know. Life is a frenzy. Like I said earlier...choices. Another tough thing is dealing with other people's free will...their ignorance, pressure, stubbornness, self-centered attitudes and immaturity. It gets hard not to judge...but I know I shouldn't. Oh well. I think I'm trying to get over a spiritual dryness at the moment. Thus, the lack of motivation with certain things (such as schoolwork). Bleh...I gotta get out of this valley...
On a more positive note (for me anyways and other Laker haters) --- GO CELTICS!! hahahaa!
I'm thinking of switching jobs...to what...I don't know. I got some plans though and I'm making some moves. Nothing is definite yet.
I feel some big changes are coming on the horizon for this summer and the next school year/ Crosstraining season following it. As a good friend of mine says"It's all about CHOICES." Choices make us who we are and determine our successes/failures. Hopefully, I make the right ones. I'm trying to turn over a new leaf and CHOOSE to be more responsible and morally strong.
So Clinton is out of the race which makes me sad. I think I'm rooting for her to be VP, which I keep going back and forth on... I think that my first pick would make a great VP though...BILL RICHARDSON!! Obama/Richardson...yeah...that'd be a winning ticket right there. I still have some reservations over Obama...but it looks like I'll have to jump on the Obama bandwagon. I can't believe I'm blogging on politics...
So..personal life...I don't know. Life is a frenzy. Like I said earlier...choices. Another tough thing is dealing with other people's free will...their ignorance, pressure, stubbornness, self-centered attitudes and immaturity. It gets hard not to judge...but I know I shouldn't. Oh well. I think I'm trying to get over a spiritual dryness at the moment. Thus, the lack of motivation with certain things (such as schoolwork). Bleh...I gotta get out of this valley...
On a more positive note (for me anyways and other Laker haters) --- GO CELTICS!! hahahaa!
Friday, June 6, 2008
Lame
So my sciatic nerve has been pinched/irritated/something to where there is now a constant pain that radiates throughout my whole leg. I couldn't walk from Friday to Monday afternoon. Even now I can barely walk and the pain isn't gone...just bearable with Vicodin and the other prescriptions they gave me. At the same time I've been fighting a cold. I've been through so much physical discomfort this week while trying to get through the last week of instruction for this quarter. It sucked and was quite lame (get it..lame- as in can't move...ha..ha..no?). ANYWAYS...being disabled I had to rely on others for almost everything. Being disabled makes me realize how important the small act of charity are. The little things like getting somebody a glass of water helped make my life so much easier. So thank you to everybody who has helped me in all the small ways this past week: my family, my friends, my roomates and even strangers (nurses at hospitals are really nice btw). Those seemingly simple/ insignificant tasks can really make a big difference. Wow, another lesson learned through the simplicity of life. It's amazing how much we take things for granted...like the ability to walk itself. I can't wait for summer to get time to relax and get my life back in order. One more week..
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
-Dylan Thomas
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
And you, my father, there on the sad height,
Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
-Dylan Thomas
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)