Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Who am I?
Who am I? They often tell me
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a squire from his country-house.
Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As though it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equally, smilingly, proudly,
Like one accustomed to win.
Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were
compressing my throat,
Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
Tossing in expectation of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?
Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, 0 God, I am Thine!
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer
I ended my last post by stating "Until you know what you want, you can't even begin to understand who you are". Maybe I had it wrong. Maybe its the other way around. Until you know who you are, you can't even begin to know what you want. Perhaps thats the key. When leading the last retreat in May, I shared with everyone about my "mask" and I remember painting a large question mark on the inside because, as I said, "I really don't know who I am yet, and its okay because all I know for certain is that I am a son of God, your brother in Christ". When one gets lost along the path, sometimes its best to start back at the beginning. In this ball of confusion and my ever-changing understanding of myself and the world I live in, one thing remains constant: "Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am Thine!"
I'll start there.
I stepped from my cell’s confinement
Calmly, cheerfully, firmly,
Like a squire from his country-house.
Who am I? They often tell me
I used to speak to my warders
Freely and friendly and clearly,
As though it were mine to command.
Who am I? They also tell me
I bore the days of misfortune
Equally, smilingly, proudly,
Like one accustomed to win.
Am I then really all that which other men tell of?
Or am I only what I myself know of myself?
Restless and longing and sick, like a bird in a cage,
Struggling for breath, as though hands were
compressing my throat,
Yearning for colors, for flowers, for the voices of birds,
Thirsting for words of kindness, for neighborliness,
Tossing in expectation of great events,
Powerlessly trembling for friends at an infinite distance,
Weary and empty at praying, at thinking, at making,
Faint, and ready to say farewell to it all?
Who am I? This or the other?
Am I one person today and tomorrow another?
Am I both at once? A hypocrite before others,
And before myself a contemptibly woebegone weakling?
Or is something within me still like a beaten army,
Fleeing in disorder from victory already achieved?
Who am I? They mock me, these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, Thou knowest, 0 God, I am Thine!
-Dietrich Bonhoeffer
I ended my last post by stating "Until you know what you want, you can't even begin to understand who you are". Maybe I had it wrong. Maybe its the other way around. Until you know who you are, you can't even begin to know what you want. Perhaps thats the key. When leading the last retreat in May, I shared with everyone about my "mask" and I remember painting a large question mark on the inside because, as I said, "I really don't know who I am yet, and its okay because all I know for certain is that I am a son of God, your brother in Christ". When one gets lost along the path, sometimes its best to start back at the beginning. In this ball of confusion and my ever-changing understanding of myself and the world I live in, one thing remains constant: "Whoever I am, Thou knowest, O God, I am Thine!"
I'll start there.
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